Terrestrial Locomotion

Dear People Who Run,
I am a terrible runner. I somehow end up with what I’ve been told is shin splints no matter how I approach my running Routine. I stretch, I warm up, I hydrate, I have the Right Shoes, I take it slow, I start sweating, I roll around on the floor in pain. I am capable of very small bursts of energy, followed by hours in the tub, frowning at my feet in betrayal.
I have friends who have conquered the Couch to 5k. I have a friend who once, while running with me to help encourage the habit, couldn’t figure out how to slow down enough to match my ‘pace’, a generous exaggeration. She looked like a really drunk bunny who was just super happy to be there, bouncing alongside me, the human personification of Fuck Off. I was once passed in a ‘fun’ 5k run by, I shit you not, an actual toddler wearing an actual tiara. I’ve come to the conclusion that, while I would love to participate in what looks to be a simple route to fitness, I will not be getting there on my own two feet.
Thank you, People Who Run, for all that you do. Especially for your inspirational fitness outfits, I had no idea so many shades of neon could exist in the same park, let alone on the same person. Bonus points for the two of you who decided matching was lame, and went as each other’s neon polar opposites. I bet the bees didn’t know what to do with you.

It. Was. Magical.




P.S. why do you run counter clockwise around the track? That seems weird to me.
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